Trigger Warning Themes of abuse, suicide and drug use.
I wasn’t going to share this story for wicked Wednesday, fearing it’s not wicked enough, but it’s a big part of who I am today and one of the experiences that has shaped me. Last week for Sex Talk Tuesday on twitter I referred to this experience which brought up some stuff for me so maybe it’s the right time to discuss the situation a little more.
I was going to tell a story about an ex I bumped into not long ago and spent the evening with, drinking which hurt my current partner and led me to decide I wouldn’t stay in contact with ex’s any longer. My current boyfriend teases me about how many ex’s I have so I probably could have come up with a different story this one however might give some insight into who I am and what I’ve been through, there’s nothing erotic about it but it has an important message for others out there.
There is one ex though who I will never be able to have contact with again. That’s what I’m going to tell you about today. He is no longer with us and the last time I saw him he split my forehead open, the look on his face as he walked out the door was a mixture of regret, fear and remorse. That look is the last thing I had to remember of him, and the fight that led up to it.
After my ex assaulted me, I left and went into a refuge. I’d tried to break it up many times, but he would always come back so I figured the best way was for me to leave. This was one of the times I tried to break up and that was what led to the assault, he felt rejected and knew that for once it was actually over for me. I couldn’t do it any longer.
We spent about 5 and a half years in an on again off again relationship, he spent most of the time we were together still seeing his ex-girlfriend which was hurtful and caused me a lot of trauma. Looking back I see that if I had cut ties the first time it would have prevented a lot of heartache for everyone. After the assault I left I stayed in refuge for 9 or 10 weeks, it was a tough time. To begin with they move you around a lot and you must be put in areas where you have no connections, so I went through the motions. He kept trying to ring me wanting to get back together.
This wasn’t the first time he’d been violent, but it was one of the worse times, so I had him charged. It took police awhile to find him, I ended up moving home on the same day they located him. He spent a few days on remand and was let out. When he got out he went back to his ex’s who he’d spent most of our relationship seeing behind my back, that was difficult for me to cope with. By this stage I was just glad he seemed to be getting on with his life and leaving me alone. I didn’t know what he had planned though.
A few days later I was contacted by a friend to tell me my ex was dead, he had overdosed. Nobody in his family told me, his ex who was with him when he died didn’t tell me the friend who did give me the news was thrilled to do so, thinking it was something I’d be happy about. Whatever we went through I couldn’t be happy that he was dead. I felt some guilt and even anger as I processed what had happened thinking that maybe he did it to hurt me, if that was the case it’s the ultimate act of domestic violence.
They suspected it was a suicide, after some investigation that was the finding that he had killed himself. We had a child together, so it was devastating and confusing on so many levels. His family blame me. They still see his ex, the one he used to take drugs with and who was there when he died but not me, it was my fault as far as they’re concerned. I went through a stage of thinking I should have just let it go when he hit me and maybe none of it would have happened, it might not have but the violence would have continued. I couldn’t let it, I’d copped so much from him over the years it had to stop somewhere.
There’s much more to the story I just told but the gist of it is there, if I had cut ties with my violent ex when it first got abusive we may have avoided the whole tragedy. The fact is that I wasn’t happy in the relationship and should have left it a long time ago.
I will never forget what happened and it will continue to affect me. On the night he died I had something come into my head that wouldn’t leave, “Where there is life there is hope,” I don’t know if that was his parting message, I’d like to think it was. I’ve used that quote quite a lot since then, it’s especially relevant to those who suffer mental illness, like I do or anyone having thoughts of suicide. There is always hope so long as we’re alive.
While we are alive we can always change things if we’re not happy with how they are. This includes relationships, we can end them or begin new ones, whatever it is that you want to do, do it now while you still have the chance. I hope his soul has found peace and knows that I now forgive him for the hurt he caused me, I find it hard to forgive him for ending it all though, that is really difficult.
I’m sorry this post wasn’t erotic but it is an important event that had significant ramifications and affected many people. His children will now grow up without a father and it’s tragic. If you ever feel desperately sad or depressed just remember nothing lasts forever, “after every dark day a bright day comes after that.*”
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*very true Tupac song lyrics from the song Unconditional Love